What to do before, during and after the divorce decision
According to recent research, half of marriages end within the first seven years. Family members go through certain processes before, during and after the divorce decision. In the months following separation or divorce, the family experiences many changes together. Emotional and physical separation, financial problems, spiritual problems, house change, etc. are some of them. Verbal, economic, emotional, spiritual or physical violence can be seen in families as a trigger for the divorce process. Exposure of the child to such situations brings along various emotional and behavioral problems.
During the divorce process, blame and anger may be observed in children. Cognitive processing capacities and self-blame as a characteristic of age are among the most common conditions in early children. The child may think that his or her own behavior led to the divorce and/or may become extremely angry with a parent about the divorce process. Since divorce is a difficult decision in itself, the child may find himself consulted for his opinion on divorce. Such situations create a great burden and responsibility on the child. Just like marriage, divorce is the decision of the spouses, not the child.
It is very important for the child to hear the divorce decision from his parents. It requires professional help from a psychologist or pedagogue if necessary. Because the child's age needs to be explained appropriately: “From now on, we will live in separate houses with your mom/dad, you can see your mom/dad in these… days. We will continue to be your mother and father. Our love for you will never change…”
With the divorce process, many changes occur in the child's life at the same time. It is very important to establish regularity in the life of the child/adolescent as soon as possible and to make them feel safe. The first year of divorce is difficult not only for children but also for adults. Two-thirds of divorced women and one-third of men have significant mental problems. For this reason, it is very critical for both adults and children to receive psychological support, if necessary, in order to maintain functionality.
An unwanted or harsh divorce may return an adult to a lagging stage of development or may push him into behaviors that are not expected from his personality. Some adults may become completely helpless, dependent on the care of others, including their children. Roles in the family may change, children may take care of the parents and become their confidant. A distorted development and a false understanding of reality acquired through the parent may occur in the child. The child's way of expressing himself may be in the direction of revealing a certain symptom: outbursts of anger, behavioral problems, anxiety disorders, depressive symptoms, and difficulties related to academic and peer group.
Immediately after separation and divorce, people may isolate themselves from others or have an extraordinary tendency to maintain their social life. Instead of admitting that they feel unhappiness and anger about divorce, some people may claim that they easily adapt to everything and have a perfect life for themselves, and may engage in various activities. However, if it is done to avoid emotional problems instead of expressing emotion, it can impair the functionality of the person. Depressive symptoms are inevitable when the individual becomes unable to deal with the needs of himself or the people around him (such as his child) due to the activities involved.
Divorce is a loss process. Loss of relationship, loss of spouse, loss of trust. It takes time to create a new order after a loss. During this period, it is an undeniable support to have the root family or social circle with the family.
In cases such as remarriage after the divorce process, spouses and children have to adapt to a new order. In such cases, preparing the child beforehand and sharing it with the child after the marriage decision is clear makes it easier to act without disturbing the child's perception of security. Both parties may be concerned about the establishment of a new family order. This very understandable anxiety is felt not only by spouses but also by children. For this reason, it is very critical to explain to the children just like in the divorce process, not to force the new spouse to call them mother/father, and to keep the current order as stable as possible.
If you are experiencing problems such as divorce, separation, incompatibility, conflict in your relationship, please contact me on 0532 15 35 55. Because difficult days can be overcome much healthier and stronger with professional help.